What? I’m screwed up? really? October 29, 2009

How could I have missed it?  How could I have been so blind?  How could I not control the words coming from his mouth?  Why could I not prevent his actions?  What can I do to fix it?

I’ve been asking myself these questions for months.  Using my GoogleFu, I try looking for ways to fix HIS issues, because, Glory Be.. there just couldn’t be ANYTHING wrong with little ol’e me.  The great oracle of Google started popping up this term “codependent”?  WTF?  Codependent? Hell, I’ve been alone for 7 years before J came on the scene, I don’t need no “co”, i’m an “in” dependent. I can do it ALL myself damn it!

All I can say is HOLY SHIT.  They may have all been ass-holes with some serious issues, but for the love of all that’s good in the world, you would think that after 15years of failed relationships, I would have figured out that it WAS me that was the problem.

It seems that folks, men for the most part, don’t like to be coddled.  I was raised to think that it was a woman’s job, duty even, to coddle a man.  Well, that shit don’t get you anywhere apparently, except almost 40, never married, no kids, and in yet ANOTHER relationship that is draining the very life force from my soul.

I’ve lived all my life pandering to other peoples  wants and needs so much I’ve never even learned to give to myself.  How does one even do that without feeling self-centered or selfish?  How does one not WANT to do everything they can to help someone they love (even though that person didn’t ask for anything)?  How can I stop?  Can it be fixed? Can I change?  Can the relationship be saved?

Now that I know what my problem is, now that it has a name, I have an obligation to myself and the ones I love to fix the problem.  I’m not saying that J don’t have anything to fix, I’d be lying if I did.  But it’s not my job to fix it.  I’ve gotten a book on codepenedency and have made it through a few chapters and have joined an online support community that while it doesn’t necessarily tell me what to do, it’s just nice knowing i’m not the only one that struggles with this issues.

And since that was an emotionally draining post, here’s a little fun…. at the RED HOUSE

texas… October 17, 2009

i’m not actually from texas, but this video makes me want to move there…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nxm2v1owLc

the “d” word October 16, 2009

the dreaded “d” word… diet. I loath that little four letter word because it has been part of my life for the better part of 20 years. And this week, after going a whole year without “dieting” I am once again a product of my lack of self control.  Almost 20 lbs. in a year!  Damn you skinny boyfriend with high metabolism, damn you fry daddy, damn you 9pm dinners, damn you beer.

See, I CAN blame everyone else but me   Well, that shit’s over with.  I’m done, finished, kaput!! I’m the one that agreed to a fry daddy in the house, wings twice a week, beer constantly in the fridge, so I’m the only one that can stop myself. So here we go, I can do this…. yet again.

I started my weight loss journey almost 20 years ago.  Started a size 14/16 (at 5’3″), I was more than a little chubby, i was obese.  After years of working out in the gym, eating 6 times a day, protein shakes, etc. I had manage to loose  50lbs. then just stopped out of sheer exhaustion and burnout AND the fact I couldn’t loose that last 25 I was wanting to loose.  I was able to keep it off without much trying.  After such a bland diet for almost 15 years, you just don’t jump back into eating french fries without major stomach issues.  A couple of years ago, I joined Weight Watchers the rest fell off quick.  Over 25lbs in less than 12 weeks.  I was stoked.  Running out of money for meetings, but stoked none the less.  Managed to get to 118lbs.

Now, for whatever reason, my body looks like crap at 118.  You would think that at 5’3″, I’d pull off 118 with no problem.  But I look like one of those Hollywood chicks walking around on the red carpet with bones and joints sticking out all over the place.  I looked like crap, acknowledged I looked like crap, but enjoyed being able to say “no, i can’t wear that size 2, it just falls off of me”.

Well, I’m back to 136lbs. and have NO clothes to wear!!!  I threw all my size 5 “fat clothes” away.  Now I’m looking like a stringed sausage link trying to get my lumpy ass (actually, my problem is my belly) into size 2′s so as not to walk around in public naked.

I don’t want to go back to 118.  W, my boyfriend, likes a little meat, and I can appreciate that, so I’m looking to 125 as a goal. I do want to start back to the gym to do some lifting, so if I don’t make it to 125, I’ll be cool with that, as long as it’s muscle weight and not fat weight.

I started this trip down diet lane 5 days ago and using the Weight Watcher principles have managed to dump 1.5 lbs. already, so YEAH ME!  Let’s just hope I can manage the weekend.  Weekends suck ass when your dieting.

craptastic day beginning October 15, 2009

I HATE the dentist. No really, can’t stand it. I’d rather have my feet in the stirrups and suffer the “little pinch” of the pap smear daily as to go to the dentist.
It’s not the pain of the needle, or even the pain in general, it’s the fucking drill. It brings tears to my eyes and trows me into an uncharacteristic panic attack causing me to stop breathing, then be thrown into a fit of hyperventilation. My dentist, bless his little heart, knows this and dreads it more than I do, or so the sadist says. He use to prescribe me Valium, but due to some weird federal law, is unable to any longer because he don’t have an anesthesiologist on staff. You have no idea how bad this fucks my world up.
I feel like an idiot going to a GP asking for V so I can go to the dentist. They look at me like I’m a druggie.
He advised me to self medicate and not tell him about it. So that’s what I do. Can’t tell what though, that’s just TMI.

Have a wonderful, glorious day.  I’m off to self medicate!

the start of something not so special…. October 14, 2009

I had another blog at one time, but family found out about it, so there went my freedom to actually blow shit out of my head into the interweb without fear of my elderly parents finding out.

So, I’m starting this new blog.  You will most likely not find anything remotely insightful or amusing.  Then again, I CAN be funny when I don’t edit myself, but I’m all about the self editing, in person anyway.  It’s something I really need to change about myself.  As a warning, you ARE likely to find bad grammar and misspelled words – public education in the south sucks.

I do have a lot that I need to get off my chest, but I have NO idea where to start.  The things in my life right now that need working on/talked about/screamed about/psychoanalyzed are my need/desire to loose the 12lbs. I’ve gained over the last year with my BF W.  The relationship with my BF W. My desperate need to find God/Jesus again.  Ongoing battle to find time to spend with my friends.  These are just a few of the wonderful things.  And I have no idea where to start.