Uncreative Blogger

working totally from the left side of my brain

bat shit crazy November 3, 2009

Filed under: codependency,Random — uncreativeblogger @ 11:23
Tags: , ,

I’ve got so much crap flying through my head right now I can’t put together a coherent thought.

I started taking my crazy pills last night.  I haven’t told anyone about it.  My family would make fun of me and after J’s reaction the other night, I don’t want to tell him either.  I hope it helps.

It’s a beautiful day here in the south, I just wish I wasn’t at work.  The boss man is a jerk and has a way of taking it out on everyone around him, especially me.

 

I really wish I had something funny and entertaining to share, but I’m just not in the entertaining sharing mood.  Why the fuck am I doing this then???

 

Later

 

 

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Monday Mind Dump November 2, 2009

Filed under: mind dump,Random — uncreativeblogger @ 17:23
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Here’s just a few of the fleeting thoughts going through my head on this beautiful sunny Monday in the South….

 

I called my Dr. on lunch wanting something to get me over my hump.  She doesn’t prescribe valium or xanex or anything like that, and instead has prescibed me zoloft.  I’ve mixed feelings about this.  While i don’t want anything long term screwing with my head, I just want something that will get me through the bad days; I also understand the long term problems that come with a quick fix like valium or xanex.  I just hope I don’t gain weight.

————–

I haven’t done a DAMN thing today at work, seriously.  I’m so caught up in my worries that i can’t concentrate on a damn thing.

————–

My mother mentioned Thanksgiving Dinner…. even family events make me a nervous wreck.  And we all get a long just fine.  I just don’t like to talk to them.

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I have sex with my vibrator more than I do my boyfriend.  we’ve been together less than a year. While I like sex, I find that every time we do, i stress out until i start again.

————–

I wish i didn’t have so much running through my head so I could actually enjoy myself and see the humor in everyday life.  It’s the little things and I can’t get past the big things to see them.  All I really want to do is laugh.

 

roller coaster

Filed under: Uncategorized — uncreativeblogger @ 11:22

I had originally started this post by airing all my dirty laundry, which is probably a good idea, but I’m dealing with so much stuff right now, I don’t know where to start.  Or better yet, when to start.  I have major issues of codependency that I’ve apparently been struggling with all my life, and am now living with a drug addict, not a good thing when you struggle with wanting to make everyone around you happy.

 

We had a long conversation about his addiction Friday night.  How it’s effecting him, and everyone who loves him (i’m currently the only one that knows he’s going through this) It was going well.  His insurance finally kicked in yesterday and he is wanting to go to the dr. for some drug that is suppose to help with the with drawls (it’s not methadone, it’s something else, but I’m not up on my drugs for drugs lingo).  He’s been through this before and came out the other side, but loosing his job late last year put him on a downward spiral.  One of which I’ve not so wisely grabbed on and have taken the ride with him.

 

While in the midst of talking about all of this, I mentioned that I had been reading a book on codependency, that I had no idea that was my problem.  Well, he went OFF.  Told me that what I have is not codepencency, I’m just an enabler, that I didn’t know what I was talking about, HE’S the one that’s been to all these meetings, HE’S the one that’s been through it, that all the crap I read on the internet and in books isn’t even close to what the meetings are like.  (he apparently got discourage because they kicked him out of rehab because insurance ran out, so he didn’t feel they genuinely wanted to help, just take all his money – which I can understand, I know others that experienced the same).

 

Well, I had had a few beers, which is the only time I have the guts to discuss things with him.  and I went OFF on him.  ended up going into a crying screaming rage, him packing his bags, me accusing him, him accusing me, and of course, no apology from either one of us was forthcoming. We finally went to our seperate corners and composed ourselves.  We had to pick up his daughter for the weekend, so we called a truce.  We managed to get through the weekend with only one little 30 second spat saturday night. Everything was well and good yesterday.  Fun even.  Even after the daughter was gone.  We had a great afternoon.  Both in good moods. But nothing was ever resolved.  No one apologized.  No one recognized the others feelings.

 

We go through this every few weeks.  I know it’s not all on me, nor is it all on him.  I have some terrible mood swings, I don’t know if it’s related to hormones or what.  I also have anxiety about talking, to anyone, even the closest of my friends and families.  Some of the things I threw on him the other night (prior to him degrading my feelings), I have never admitted to ANYONE, period.  It’s just too hard to tell people, to talk about it.  I’m not very good at articulating the concrete, much less something as abstract as feelings and the one time I do, it gets thrown back in my face like they don’t mean anything.

 

I feel I’ve taken a step back in some ways, but I did manage to go to church with my dad yesterday.  The sermon was AMAZING.  Their new preacher is a VERY charizmatic young man who has managed to take a deep southern Baptist church and turn the congregation into hand raising, spontainous clapping bunch of old folks, IT’S AWESOME!!!

 

He was preaching on what he called the  “God conjunction”…..  but God.  You problem is strong, but God is stronger.

The road is long, but God is longer.

The mountian is tall, but God is taller.

You get the point.

It gave me hope, gave me strenth, gave me courage.  This problem is not stronger than me, it’s not too tough to handle.  Anything is possible with God through Christ.

 

It gives me a direction.  A place to start.  My relationship with Christ.  Both Jeremy and I were raised in Church, and during our blow up Friday night he said “you can think you need to read all of these books, talk to a therapist, go online, whatever, when all you need to be doing is reading the Bible, the answer’s there”.  I was so dumbstruck at the moment that the statement had come out of his mouth, I didn’t comment.  I wish now I had.  He doesn’t like to talk about the Bible or church.  But it’s aparantly something he’s been thinking about.

 

For those of you that pray, Please pray for us.  I’m not sure what direction the relationship will take, not sure how my issues will be handled, not sure where his attempt at getting off the drugs are going to take him.   But if all of this will lead us both back to where we need to be in Christ, then there is no way I would change a minute of it.

 

 

 

What? I’m screwed up? really? October 29, 2009

Filed under: codependency — uncreativeblogger @ 15:24
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How could I have missed it?  How could I have been so blind?  How could I not control the words coming from his mouth?  Why could I not prevent his actions?  What can I do to fix it?

I’ve been asking myself these questions for months.  Using my GoogleFu, I try looking for ways to fix HIS issues, because, Glory Be.. there just couldn’t be ANYTHING wrong with little ol’e me.  The great oracle of Google started popping up this term “codependent”?  WTF?  Codependent? Hell, I’ve been alone for 7 years before J came on the scene, I don’t need no “co”, i’m an “in” dependent. I can do it ALL myself damn it!

All I can say is HOLY SHIT.  They may have all been ass-holes with some serious issues, but for the love of all that’s good in the world, you would think that after 15years of failed relationships, I would have figured out that it WAS me that was the problem.

It seems that folks, men for the most part, don’t like to be coddled.  I was raised to think that it was a woman’s job, duty even, to coddle a man.  Well, that shit don’t get you anywhere apparently, except almost 40, never married, no kids, and in yet ANOTHER relationship that is draining the very life force from my soul.

I’ve lived all my life pandering to other peoples  wants and needs so much I’ve never even learned to give to myself.  How does one even do that without feeling self-centered or selfish?  How does one not WANT to do everything they can to help someone they love (even though that person didn’t ask for anything)?  How can I stop?  Can it be fixed? Can I change?  Can the relationship be saved?

Now that I know what my problem is, now that it has a name, I have an obligation to myself and the ones I love to fix the problem.  I’m not saying that J don’t have anything to fix, I’d be lying if I did.  But it’s not my job to fix it.  I’ve gotten a book on codepenedency and have made it through a few chapters and have joined an online support community that while it doesn’t necessarily tell me what to do, it’s just nice knowing i’m not the only one that struggles with this issues.

And since that was an emotionally draining post, here’s a little fun…. at the RED HOUSE

 

texas… October 17, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — uncreativeblogger @ 13:42

i’m not actually from texas, but this video makes me want to move there…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Nxm2v1owLc

 

the “d” word October 16, 2009

Filed under: diet — uncreativeblogger @ 12:11

the dreaded “d” word… diet. I loath that little four letter word because it has been part of my life for the better part of 20 years. And this week, after going a whole year without “dieting” I am once again a product of my lack of self control.  Almost 20 lbs. in a year!  Damn you skinny boyfriend with high metabolism, damn you fry daddy, damn you 9pm dinners, damn you beer.

See, I CAN blame everyone else but me 🙂  Well, that shit’s over with.  I’m done, finished, kaput!! I’m the one that agreed to a fry daddy in the house, wings twice a week, beer constantly in the fridge, so I’m the only one that can stop myself. So here we go, I can do this…. yet again.

I started my weight loss journey almost 20 years ago.  Started a size 14/16 (at 5’3″), I was more than a little chubby, i was obese.  After years of working out in the gym, eating 6 times a day, protein shakes, etc. I had manage to loose  50lbs. then just stopped out of sheer exhaustion and burnout AND the fact I couldn’t loose that last 25 I was wanting to loose.  I was able to keep it off without much trying.  After such a bland diet for almost 15 years, you just don’t jump back into eating french fries without major stomach issues.  A couple of years ago, I joined Weight Watchers the rest fell off quick.  Over 25lbs in less than 12 weeks.  I was stoked.  Running out of money for meetings, but stoked none the less.  Managed to get to 118lbs.

Now, for whatever reason, my body looks like crap at 118.  You would think that at 5’3″, I’d pull off 118 with no problem.  But I look like one of those Hollywood chicks walking around on the red carpet with bones and joints sticking out all over the place.  I looked like crap, acknowledged I looked like crap, but enjoyed being able to say “no, i can’t wear that size 2, it just falls off of me”.

Well, I’m back to 136lbs. and have NO clothes to wear!!!  I threw all my size 5 “fat clothes” away.  Now I’m looking like a stringed sausage link trying to get my lumpy ass (actually, my problem is my belly) into size 2’s so as not to walk around in public naked.

I don’t want to go back to 118.  W, my boyfriend, likes a little meat, and I can appreciate that, so I’m looking to 125 as a goal. I do want to start back to the gym to do some lifting, so if I don’t make it to 125, I’ll be cool with that, as long as it’s muscle weight and not fat weight.

I started this trip down diet lane 5 days ago and using the Weight Watcher principles have managed to dump 1.5 lbs. already, so YEAH ME!  Let’s just hope I can manage the weekend.  Weekends suck ass when your dieting.

 

craptastic day beginning October 15, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — uncreativeblogger @ 07:34
Tags: , ,

I HATE the dentist. No really, can’t stand it. I’d rather have my feet in the stirrups and suffer the “little pinch” of the pap smear daily as to go to the dentist.
It’s not the pain of the needle, or even the pain in general, it’s the fucking drill. It brings tears to my eyes and trows me into an uncharacteristic panic attack causing me to stop breathing, then be thrown into a fit of hyperventilation. My dentist, bless his little heart, knows this and dreads it more than I do, or so the sadist says. He use to prescribe me Valium, but due to some weird federal law, is unable to any longer because he don’t have an anesthesiologist on staff. You have no idea how bad this fucks my world up.
I feel like an idiot going to a GP asking for V so I can go to the dentist. They look at me like I’m a druggie.
He advised me to self medicate and not tell him about it. So that’s what I do. Can’t tell what though, that’s just TMI.

Have a wonderful, glorious day.  I’m off to self medicate! 🙂