How could I have missed it? How could I have been so blind? How could I not control the words coming from his mouth? Why could I not prevent his actions? What can I do to fix it?
I’ve been asking myself these questions for months. Using my GoogleFu, I try looking for ways to fix HIS issues, because, Glory Be.. there just couldn’t be ANYTHING wrong with little ol’e me. The great oracle of Google started popping up this term “codependent”? WTF? Codependent? Hell, I’ve been alone for 7 years before J came on the scene, I don’t need no “co”, i’m an “in” dependent. I can do it ALL myself damn it!
All I can say is HOLY SHIT. They may have all been ass-holes with some serious issues, but for the love of all that’s good in the world, you would think that after 15years of failed relationships, I would have figured out that it WAS me that was the problem.
It seems that folks, men for the most part, don’t like to be coddled. I was raised to think that it was a woman’s job, duty even, to coddle a man. Well, that shit don’t get you anywhere apparently, except almost 40, never married, no kids, and in yet ANOTHER relationship that is draining the very life force from my soul.
I’ve lived all my life pandering to other peoples wants and needs so much I’ve never even learned to give to myself. How does one even do that without feeling self-centered or selfish? How does one not WANT to do everything they can to help someone they love (even though that person didn’t ask for anything)? How can I stop? Can it be fixed? Can I change? Can the relationship be saved?
Now that I know what my problem is, now that it has a name, I have an obligation to myself and the ones I love to fix the problem. I’m not saying that J don’t have anything to fix, I’d be lying if I did. But it’s not my job to fix it. I’ve gotten a book on codepenedency and have made it through a few chapters and have joined an online support community that while it doesn’t necessarily tell me what to do, it’s just nice knowing i’m not the only one that struggles with this issues.
And since that was an emotionally draining post, here’s a little fun…. at the RED HOUSE