I had originally started this post by airing all my dirty laundry, which is probably a good idea, but I’m dealing with so much stuff right now, I don’t know where to start. Or better yet, when to start. I have major issues of codependency that I’ve apparently been struggling with all my life, and am now living with a drug addict, not a good thing when you struggle with wanting to make everyone around you happy.
We had a long conversation about his addiction Friday night. How it’s effecting him, and everyone who loves him (i’m currently the only one that knows he’s going through this) It was going well. His insurance finally kicked in yesterday and he is wanting to go to the dr. for some drug that is suppose to help with the with drawls (it’s not methadone, it’s something else, but I’m not up on my drugs for drugs lingo). He’s been through this before and came out the other side, but loosing his job late last year put him on a downward spiral. One of which I’ve not so wisely grabbed on and have taken the ride with him.
While in the midst of talking about all of this, I mentioned that I had been reading a book on codependency, that I had no idea that was my problem. Well, he went OFF. Told me that what I have is not codepencency, I’m just an enabler, that I didn’t know what I was talking about, HE’S the one that’s been to all these meetings, HE’S the one that’s been through it, that all the crap I read on the internet and in books isn’t even close to what the meetings are like. (he apparently got discourage because they kicked him out of rehab because insurance ran out, so he didn’t feel they genuinely wanted to help, just take all his money – which I can understand, I know others that experienced the same).
Well, I had had a few beers, which is the only time I have the guts to discuss things with him. and I went OFF on him. ended up going into a crying screaming rage, him packing his bags, me accusing him, him accusing me, and of course, no apology from either one of us was forthcoming. We finally went to our seperate corners and composed ourselves. We had to pick up his daughter for the weekend, so we called a truce. We managed to get through the weekend with only one little 30 second spat saturday night. Everything was well and good yesterday. Fun even. Even after the daughter was gone. We had a great afternoon. Both in good moods. But nothing was ever resolved. No one apologized. No one recognized the others feelings.
We go through this every few weeks. I know it’s not all on me, nor is it all on him. I have some terrible mood swings, I don’t know if it’s related to hormones or what. I also have anxiety about talking, to anyone, even the closest of my friends and families. Some of the things I threw on him the other night (prior to him degrading my feelings), I have never admitted to ANYONE, period. It’s just too hard to tell people, to talk about it. I’m not very good at articulating the concrete, much less something as abstract as feelings and the one time I do, it gets thrown back in my face like they don’t mean anything.
I feel I’ve taken a step back in some ways, but I did manage to go to church with my dad yesterday. The sermon was AMAZING. Their new preacher is a VERY charizmatic young man who has managed to take a deep southern Baptist church and turn the congregation into hand raising, spontainous clapping bunch of old folks, IT’S AWESOME!!!
He was preaching on what he called the “God conjunction”….. but God. You problem is strong, but God is stronger.
The road is long, but God is longer.
The mountian is tall, but God is taller.
You get the point.
It gave me hope, gave me strenth, gave me courage. This problem is not stronger than me, it’s not too tough to handle. Anything is possible with God through Christ.
It gives me a direction. A place to start. My relationship with Christ. Both Jeremy and I were raised in Church, and during our blow up Friday night he said “you can think you need to read all of these books, talk to a therapist, go online, whatever, when all you need to be doing is reading the Bible, the answer’s there”. I was so dumbstruck at the moment that the statement had come out of his mouth, I didn’t comment. I wish now I had. He doesn’t like to talk about the Bible or church. But it’s aparantly something he’s been thinking about.
For those of you that pray, Please pray for us. I’m not sure what direction the relationship will take, not sure how my issues will be handled, not sure where his attempt at getting off the drugs are going to take him. But if all of this will lead us both back to where we need to be in Christ, then there is no way I would change a minute of it.